Lord Bankenstein Addresses Education Nation

Lord Bankenstein has written a stirring speech for Education Nation.

Lord Bankenstein has written a stirring speech for Education Nation.

Goldman-Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein will be a panelist at the upcoming Education Nation event on NBC. In an amazing scoop, the team here at Assailed Teacher (which consists of me and my cat) have uncovered the speech Mr. Blankfein intends to give for this occasion. It is reprinted in its entirety below:

Jesus was a teacher. He chased the money-changers out of the temple in Jerusalem. Instead of making money, he wanted people to focus on doing good works to help poor people. Some people used to say that teachers were doing “God’s work”, maybe because they had taken up the same profession as Jesus.  Some people also used to say that banking was a sin called “usury”, maybe because Jesus had chased the usurers out of the temple.

But times have changed. Where is Jesus now? Crucified. Where are the bankers now? We run the world. What better evidence can there be that God favors us bankers? This is why I shifted the paradigm in 2009 by saying us bankers are doing God’s work. Two thousand and nine years after Jesus’ birth, the world finally came to see that he was wrong.

The money changers are still here. The meek have not inherited the earth. We have inherited the meek, as well as their money. All of this has happened without so much as a lightning bolt striking any of us dead. Me, Vikram Pandit, John Thain, Jamie Dimon, all of us are still here and still swimming in vaults of gold like Scrooge McDuck.

There is but one sliver of meekdom left for us to inherit: education. By inheriting education we would inherit the legacy of Jesus himself. Us money-changers will then have the last laugh, again.

You see, Jesus had it all backwards. He exhorted people to uplift the least among us. The beggars, the aesthetes, the prostitutes and the unwashed are all worthy of the same respect as the wealthy, the noble, the patrician and the royal. He invented a God that would reward those who lived their lives by these guidelines and punish those who did not. There was something about a camel passing through the eye of a needle or whatever. And where are we today? The least among us are as least as ever while the money-changers are passing quite easily through the eyes of solid gold needles.

For over 100 years, this country has been trying to lift up the least among us through public education. There once was a belief that all children, including the children of beggars, aesthetes, prostitutes and the unwashed, were worthy of true learning. Even worse, people believed that these children were capable of true learning. Worst of all, these children might use what they learned to create better lives for themselves. Educators once fancied themselves fishers of men, and even women.

100 years of fishing has gotten us nowhere. Our education system was created in a period of history when the money-changers dominated the meek. In 2013, the money-changers still dominate the meek. The kingdom of heaven on earth has not come to pass, despite our best efforts to heed the advice of Jesus. God in heaven has not sent down a plague of locusts upon the heads of the money-changers. Our yearly harvests are as bountiful as ever.

So it is time that this country scrap the protagonist of the New Testament in favor of the money-changers. It is time we recognize that it is not God’s will for the meek to inherit the earth. Over 2000 years of history has showed us that the wheat always separates from the chaff. We are the wheat. They are the chaff. If we are to have a system of schooling, it must recognize this reality once and for all.

I am glad to say that this reality is already recognized by many of us here today. Wendy Kopp was one of the first to understand that the wheat must teach the chaff. They must teach the chaff not in order to uplift them, but in order to prepare them for their roles as chaff. Over the past two decades, her minions of Pharisees nationwide have displaced those educators who foolishly believed they were doing God’s work. These were the educators who spent their lives in a classroom, sending a message to the community that their children were worthy of dedication. But Kopp’s minions have shown us the way. They recognize that one does not need any skill or preparation to instruct chaff in how to be chaff. They recognize that they are too good to be around chaff for more than a few years. They recognize that one of the best ways to teach chaff their true value is to leave them after two years. Any longer than that and they might start to identify with, or even believe in, the chaff they instruct. What is worse, they might start learning how to actually teach, how to be fishers of men and women, which would puff up the chests of the chaff and make them believe they are actually wheat. This would be the worst kind of wheat, the kind that is not even wheat: puffed wheat.

Also with us today is Eva Moskowitz, a woman who has given us the template for how the education of the masses should look. She deserves nothing less than our total approbation. There are many poor children in New York City. However, a portion of those poor children come from families who actually believe in them. They have good manners, a good vocabulary and might even be hard-working. Eva takes the poor children from these families and teaches them what they need to know. They need to know how to sit up straight. They need to know how to march silently. They need to know how to look like they are giving their undivided attention to the Kopp acolyte who stands in front of the room. They need to know how to jump to every command of Kopp’s acolytes. If they do not jump fast or enthusiastically enough, they will be penalized. This is exactly what these types of children need. If these children were to go to a regular public school taught by one of these fisher of men and women, they might actually learn something about the world around them. What good would that be for them? It would only succeed in giving them ideas too big for their stations. And, you guessed it, their station is to be chaff. I do not need the person who shines my socks to know why the Confederacy fired on Fort Sumter. I only need them to know that I require my socks shined now, before I meet with the Secretary of the Treasury. This is what Eva Moskowitz is doing for us. She is taking the best of the chaff and preparing them to jump to our every whim without a thought. If every one of these kinds of children spent a solid 13 years in one of Eva’s schools, every money-changer in America would have an able, willing and supplicant sock-shiner. Who can argue with that?

Another one of my heroes is here today as well: Ms. Michelle Rhee. Michelle showed us that we cannot separate the chaff of tomorrow from the wheat of tomorrow without thoroughly subjugating the teachers of the chaff. Michelle took over a typical urban school system where teachers had tenure and a measure of autonomy. This means they walked into their classrooms every morning as if they were the cock of the walk. Morning after morning, year after year, these tenured “professionals” sent the message to their students that there were jobs out there in which people can be happy, fulfilled and useful. Teachers like this tend to have an enthusiasm for their careers and for life in general. In turn, these traits might rub off on their students. Enthusiasm is a dangerous quality for the chaff of tomorrow to have. It gives them a false impression that their destiny is in their hands. Michelle came in on her, I mean with her, broom not to sweep up the bad teachers but to beat all teachers in the head with the bristles as one would do to a mouse in the kitchen. By tying each teacher’s career to the test scores of their students, she made them dread coming into work every morning. Instead of learning about the world, D.C.’s students would learn how to fill in bubbles with a #2 pencil. Above all else, teachers knew that the fate of their careers hinged on value added models over which they had absolutely no control. The Sword of Damocles was not hanging over their heads. It was swinging wildly at their heads. Whether or not one lost their head was a completely random affair. The fear that teachers had of not being in control over their own destinies inevitably spilled over to the kids. It taught them the implicit lesson that their destiny was not theirs. Their destiny is ours. We are the ones who swing the sword. They can duck all they want, it still will not ensure they keep their heads. Look at all of the schools she closed. Look at all of the children who were shuffled around. Look at the hyper-segregation that took place. Children learned that they are in a world where things are done to them by us. They have no choice. No free will. Ideals of goodness, fairness, stability and justice are not only antiquated, they never existed in the first place for them. Michelle was just preparing them for the roles they will play on the earth that we, the money-lenders, have inherited.

This is where Goldman-Sachs comes in. Despite the fact that it is God’s will that the money-lenders keep a firm boot on everyone else’s throat, that type of imagery does not play well in this very image-oriented society. Even the pretentions of Kopp, Moskowitz and Rhee of being some new-age group of civil rights leaders who want to help the disadvantaged rings hollow when one looks in detail at what they are actually doing. The only thing that saves them is a little Goldman-Sachs.

You see, throughout the 2000s we posted record profits and gave out record bonuses, mostly to me. We did this even though we were making rotten deals that would end up sinking the entire financial sector, and then the rest of the economy. We purchased mortgages from lenders, bundled them up and then sold them as assets. We could not sell these “assets” fast enough, so we pressured the lenders to make more and more loans. To fulfill our demand, they lowered the standards for who got mortgages. They started giving mortgages to people they knew could not afford them. Why wouldn’t they? We were buying those mortgages outright from them, so there was no risk to them. Since so many of our former or current employees also worked for rating agencies like Moody’s, it was nothing for us to get these assets backed by bad mortgages rated “Triple A”. Everyone thought it was a safe bet because of it. Everyone, that is, except for us. Deep down inside we knew we were selling garbage, so we hedged our bets by convincing insurance giants like AIG to insure these crappy assets. That way, if we were holding the bag when these assets tanked, we would not lose anything because AIG would rescue us. In effect, we were betting against the assets we were selling and laughing all the way to Scrooge McDuck’s vault. All the networks, especially CNBC, were crowing about how well we were doing and how I, along with every other money-lender, were geniuses. And when this whole house of cards finally got blown over, two presidents in a row from two different parties bailed our asses out.

Wendy Kopp, Eva Moskowitz, Michelle Rhee and the rest of you in this room today watched us and learned from us. Deep down inside you all know that you are selling poison. But you have all done bang-up jobs of skewing the numbers. We posted record profits on crap assets in the same way you post high test scores with garbage education. You fudge your numbers, skim your students and cheat on exams so you can show that you outperform public schools. The general public, all of whom are chaff who do not like to think, sees a graph with a rising line and considers all of you education geniuses. Much like nobody questioned whether or not rising stock prices and absurd executive bonuses actually reflected the underlying value of our companies, nobody questions if rising test scores actually reflects better education. They do not even stop to consider if the test scores are really rising at all. Just like us, you education reformers have your own echo chamber. You have think tanks and media outlets who will repeat everything you say without question. Organizations like Democrats for Education Reform are to you what Moody’s is to us: an incestuous group who rubber stamps everything you peddle to the public. NBC and Oprah and John Stossel are to you what CNBC is to us: a mouthpiece extolling how great everything you do is. These interlocking entities create the public perception you want. Just like we had the country and the government eating out of our hands as we were leading them off of an economic cliff, you have led people to believe you are modern-day Horace Manns and Martin Luther Kings when, in reality, you are just like me: a Pharisee.

Yes, we are all Pharisees. We all occupy a God-given place at the very tip of the societal pyramid. We have lickspittles at every level of government and media ready and willing to shine our socks. But you are the ones who are truly doing God’s work. By siphoning off education to the money-lenders, you are ensuring that the generation in school now and the generations to come will also be lickspittles. You are helping etch in eternity what God has obviously always intended: to keep us, the money-changers, in the temple. Even more than Pharisees, you are also Romans. For just like the Romans crucified Jesus the teacher for the sake of keeping the money-changers in the temple, you are hammering the nails into the flesh of everyone in this country who has chosen teaching as their life’s profession. You do this so the elite will remain elite; so the money-changers can remain in the temple.

We are well on our way to truly completing God’s work. Do not let this cup pass you by. It will not be too much longer until we realize the true kingdom of heaven here on earth. It will not be too long before all of us inherit the meek.

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3 responses to “Lord Bankenstein Addresses Education Nation

  1. Very interesting read. Very.

  2. Brilliant reciprocation of the mythos. Well done. And the eye of the needle story misrepresents the poor bankers as well. The eye was a particularly narrow gate in the wall of Jerusalem and erbuddy knew you’d have a hard time getting a camel loaded with packs on either side through there. Jesus was using local landmarks to speak to the rubes in their own terms. Poor rich people, always getting slagged by that Occupy Galilee dude.

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